Depression Sucks and Life is Stupid.

Being depressed really does suck. Ask anyone who’s been depressed and they’ll back me up on that. Sometimes, all I really want to do is express that I’m upset. I want to mope around and whinge about why I’m unlucky, why I’m detestable, how much I regret my past and dread my future. I want to write some awful angsty poetry. I want to make a facebook status update that says “Depression sucks and life is stupid.”

But, usually, I don’t.

I don’t because I find whinging, moaning, and unconstructive negative facebook status updates to be really annoying. The point of this week’s entry, then, is that I have been quite repressed about my own negative feelings. But I stand by what I’ve said about whinging: if all you ever do is whinge and moan, you’re probably an insufferable prick. Considering how very lucky we are just by virtue or living in New Zealand (well, I suppose you could be reading this from a number of places, but I’m going to assume from your internet connection and your knowledge of my existence that you live in the developed world, at least) complaining all the time comes off as short-sighted, spoiled, ignorant and spiteful. Expressing yourself is great; being hypocritical and narrow-minded is not.

However, we all get down from time to time. I have developed something of a reputation for being super-upbeat, positive and extroverted- but there is more to it than that . The reason I say a lot of positive things isn’t because I never have a negative thought. I say a lot of positive things because I don’t want to be lazy. Being negative and cynical is easy, we are genetically predisposed to notice negative things because being aware of danger is a great survival mechanism. But thinking only of survival is dull and unimaginative. There is so much more that we can do than simply survive. I think negative thoughts, sure, but what I say is a creation and I want to create something greater than just “getting by”.

It takes three positive experiences to balance one negative one. I have heard of this ratio being as high as 7 : 1

So, I have put some good habits into place. Speaking positively. Being supportive. Being complementary. Accepting complements. Celebrating everyday miracles. Finding the good in a situation that is not always immediately apparent. Having faith*. The problem in all this is that I mistakenly thought I had to take negative emotions out of the picture all together. Maybe doing so helped me, at first, to get all this positivity rolling, but now I see that I’ve been hiding a large part of myself from everyone.

Here it is, then. I get depressed. I get deeply depressed at times. I have some huge perspective on it though, because no matter how badly things get now-a-days, they never dip so low as they were in my teenage years. But still, I sometimes suffer from a terrible self-image, deep regret and incessant worrying.

In my low self-image, I see myself as lazy and selfish and just not very cool. I imagine that people dislike me if they show the slightest lack of enthusiasm at my presence and I imagine that it really matters what everyone thinks. Everyone must like me.

Regret is horrible and unproductive, yet I get caught up in it at times. Why didn’t I treat that girl better? Why have I messed up so much?

Look at this wistful baby

The worst is the worrying and anxiety, I think. There is a whole spectrum of that, to where it’s so subtle I don’t even realise I’m getting into a bad mood and it just throws me off course with the everyday things I am doing, or when it gets really bad and I feel like I don’t know how to do anything right, that I might not amount to much or that I have serious social problems that will prevent me from being happy and fulfilled.

I’m seriously not trying to beg for sympathy here. I don’t know exactly what my goal is except to not be repressed about all of this. It exists. The bad times happen and they suck and there’s no point in lying about it. I have been repressing them, yet I am committed to being expressive and honest in my life. I still find it extremely useful to work through problems** by using positive language. I still find it useful to keep myself positive by being active and energetic. Those things aren’t going to go away. But this repression is no longer working for me. The more you try to squash feelings the more they fester and grow inside of you.

I know most of us feel this way at times and talking about it is healthy if you can do it constructively. Talking about it lets it out of you where it can evaporate in the air around you.

 It’s still a good idea to be wise with your speech while talking about it.

 Sarcasm is not constructive vocabehaviour. Saying that you “can’t” or “have to” do something is usually inaccurate and you will find that you actually have a choice in the matter if you are honest with yourself, think about it a bit and own up to your responsibility for your life. How you use words is important as your speech influences your habits which become your life.

When people ask me how I am feeling, I’m going to be honest.

How are you today? Thanks for reading.

*I do not have faith that the bible is the literal truth or that any one particular organised religion is correct. I do not have faith in any particular thing, I just have faith. In goodness, if anything.

** Problems make up most of life. They are a good thing, you can’t have progress without a problem to work on.