Hey everyone. It’s been a long time, but who cares?
2012 sucked for me in a lot of ways. In a lot of other ways,
it was amazing and ground-breaking.
“Pain is the great teacher”- someone once said that in
Latin, so it’s pretty god-damned profound, Ok? I hurt a lot in 2012. I was all
like “Boo Hoo, regret, oh my god I’m 25 and what am I doing with my life? Why
aren’t I smarter about some things and am I doomed?” I found it really hard to
be nice to people sometimes and that probably hurt the most. Sorry, sorry,
sorry.
A lot of other people hurt pretty badly in 2012, too. Either
they were depressed, or terrified, or stagnant or just had growing pains. So,
please, don’t feel sorry for me. That would be really counter-productive,
actually. If you felt bad for me, the universe would get the wrong idea and
start wondering what was wrong with me and send me bad hu-ju. Rather, be
excited for me because I’ve just finished a year-long course with The Great
Teacher and I am geared up for this New Year and all the wonderful newness that
is to come.
My New Year’s resolution was chosen for me, it came to me
blazingly clear and urgently and I was forced to confront the ways I distance
myself from others by being indirect. This habit of being indirect and dishonest
started long ago, eons ago in the time I was a young child. Now, I feel like I
have had so much practice, I am an expert phony and presenting a Version of Myself
is an instinct. I actually have to put in hard work to be honest and I have
been trying to get better and better at it for some time. Sometimes that has
caused me to be overly blunt or awkward when I am being honest, which has made
the experience not-very-fun and made me not-very-excited about honesty.
My resolution is to be honest, but I’ve never been that into
being bluntly honest or brutally honest. Some people use “I was only being
honest” as an excuse to be careless with other people’s feelings. So, my
resolution is to be honest with finesse. I want to be honest in a way that
facilitates easy conversation. I will think about the person I am speaking to
and I will speak in a way that is easy to understand and that lends itself to a
conversational flow. I will *enjoy* being honest and the stress-alleviation
that provides.
There are, of course, exceptions to every rule and I will be
bluntly or brutally honest if that is more appropriate. I don’t believe in
living by rules, I believe in being alert and aware and acting as best you can.
Life is a conversation and I’m just shootin’ the breeze.
I have stopped trying to hit bottom. Today I went for a big
run and I feel great. I hope you have a great day, too.
Peace.
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